skip to content

Coco's Apartment

Coco's Outback Lousy Food and Warm Beer
Friday, September 3, 2010

First Time in Amsterdam?

What exactly is it?


It's hard to say why life in Amsterdam is so great. Yes, we've got museums, cafés, and culture. Yes, the canals are beautiful. Yes, the nightlife, bars, and coffee shops keep the place fun and exciting. But there's something else right about this city, and it's harder to put your finger on it. It's certainly one part gezellig (see below), but a recent survey offers additional insights.

Representatives from eight countries were asked questions about the pleasure and guilt they felt from eating, shopping, sex, drugs, listening to music, goofing off, and similar things. Guess what: It turns out the Dutch enjoy life the most, and feel the least guilty about its pleasures!

Compare the Dutch to other nationalities: Germans, living up to their stereotypes, took the least pleasure in life, yet felt the most guilty about it. The English made a respectable showing somewhere in the middle, with both pleasure and guilt. America, unfortunately for armchair sociologists, wasn't part of the survey.

Holland's psychological mindset, combined with Amsterdam's historical landmarks, modern attractions, and cutting-edge technology, might just explain why this city is so wonderful. Exploring the city's small shops, cozy cafes, and exciting restaurants is fun. Although streets change their name every block, the city is refreshingly compact and easy to navigate by foot, bike, tram, or even boat.


Yes, Amsterdam is a city with sex and drugs, but that view is shallow and incomplete. The availability of sex and drugs (and also Dutch successes with race relations, urban sprawl and poverty) are actually end-products of careful planning. In Amsterdam (and all of Holland) solutions to major issues are researched, debated, and implemented. Politicians do not fear difficult topics (like euthanasia), and progressive projects proceed without worry.

Holland's capital is basically safe and has no slums. Although there have been a few disturbing shootings recently, this is different from random crime. Normal people here worry more about pick pocketing and bike theft than murder and robbery. Even the 'bad part of town,' the Bijlmer (BILE-mer), in the far southeast, is a vibrant, green, architecturally interesting place with little street crime. Coco's Outback loves Amsterdam but we want more than the traditional stereotypes. We celebrate the city's exciting face without shying away from its darker side. Although we like tulips, and think they're pretty, we're not stuffy guidebook writers who think a good time is watching them grow.

What the hell is gezellig?

Gezellig (heh-ZEL-ick, but really with two Klingon 'g' sounds) and the constant pursuit of gezellig-ness is the key to the Dutch psyche. A gezellig environment is one that allows good times to happen. It's almost like a vibe. And it's contagious. A gezellig place is cozy and inviting and full of gezellig things that make it so gezellig. A two-hour leisurely meal with friends is quite gezellig. Eating a Big Mac on your lap in the car is not.

While every nationality likes coziness to some degree, the Dutch love gezellig-ness so much that their whole society is geared towards it. So when you find yourself ignored and frustrated in a store, appreciate how gezellig it must be to work there. And although the quest for gezellig is largely responsible for the incredible quality of life in Amsterdam, sometimes gezellig is just a euphemism for slow, old, and resistant to change.

The Red Light District

First of all, the red light district is basically safe. Sure, keep your eyes open and your money out of sight, but the red light district is not as dangerous as you might think.

During the day, the red light district seems more like a neighborhood. People live there. People work there. People pass through there on the way to someplace else. But the ladies in the windows are there too. And after dark, when the red lights shine brighter, the place is much more exciting.

Prostitutes:
Just like every city and town around the world, Amsterdam has hookers. Unlike most cities, here they sit in windows with red lights. Not that you were thinking about it, but most women charge €50 for what they unpoetically call a 'suck and fuck' (always with a condom). It takes about fifteen minutes, and probably won't be the most romantic experience you've ever had.

Naturally there also are more expensive call girls who work for escort services who will charge you a lot more for a 'date.' The most famous and upscale brothel in Amsterdam is Yab Yum at Singel 295. Your cabbie will be happy to tell you all about it and receive a commission for bringing you there. In Amsterdam, some prostitutes are trapped in debt and drugs, and many Eastern European and Asian women seem to be having quite a unique 'vacation' in Holland, but many are in control of their own destiny. These women rent their windows for € 50-75 for an eight-hour shift, and popular ones take in around €250-€400 a day. They fill out tax returns, and many belong to a loose union, the Red Thread.

Porno shops:
No one should be embarrassed or scared to poke their heads in a sex shop. These are legitimate stores run by real businessmen who pay (at least some of) their taxes. You won't be ripped off or intimidated.

Look through the magazines, but not too long. You can be sure that the man behind the counter knows "Hey, this isn't a library" in every language.

If you're looking to spice up your relationship, the most beautiful shop in the red light district is Absolute Danny. No dildos and novelty dogshit here, just a mix of underwear and outerwear where fetish meets lingerie. Everything is kind of expensive, but rubber panties are cheaper than psychiatrist bills if you repress your sexual fantasies. Near Casa Rosso's main theater at Oudezijds Achter-burgwal 78. Open 6 days 12-8, Sunday 12-6, 421 0915

Real Live Sex Shows
Believe it or not, expect exactly what the signs promise. After haggling about the price with the multilingual doorman (discounts can usually be negotiated), you will be seated in a small cabaret theater.

One can expect most of the following: a vaginal muscle demonstration that involves gripping objects or dildos, a male stripper, a lesbian 69 number, and the grand finale: real live sex. But set your sights right. In the long run, it will probably turn out to be more interesting than erotic. But no matter how you slice it, a man and a woman will come on stage, engage in mechanical foreplay, work the gentleman to typical porno-style 3/4-erection, and have sex before your eyes. Write about that in your postcards home!

If you are interested in a higher-quality experience, the best show in the red light district is at the Theater Casa Rosso (Oudezijds Actherburgwal 106). No haggling about the price here; everybody pays the posted €25. But you get a choreographed, reasonably sexy show starring attractive men and women in a clean, well-lit theater. When we were at Casa Rosso, much to our surprise, a full third of the audience was women. If you show a Boom! magazine to the cashier (or print out this page), the first drink is on the house. So why not make it an expensive cocktail?

If the Casa Rosso is not enough for you, head down the street to the nastier Banana Bar (Oudezijds Achter-burgwal 37). This is a, uh, unique place where naked women alternate between filling your drinks and performing erotic parlor tricks, including their trademark banana routine.

For better or worse, the action happens on the bar right in front of your face. €40 includes all you can drink for an hour and an experience you won't soon forget. Best to go when its busy when there's more action as the Banana Bar is a place where someone has to pay to start a performance. Whether you want to be the focus of the show or near the person who is the focus of the show is up to you. Not surprisingly, the bachelor party mentality pervades at the Banana Bar and (clothed) women would definitely feel out of place.

The Coffee Shop Situation

Former mayor Patijn (pa-TINE) led a productive effort to squeeze out troublesome coffee shops (who deal harder drugs and attract criminals) and license the rest. In 1996, the first coffee shop license was given out. Finally, coffee shops were legal and not just tolerated as they had been in the past. Respectable coffee shop owners cheered this approach and welcomed the stability and security of being legitimate, even if it means paying more taxes.

Amsterdam (and the rest of Holland which also has coffee shops, but fewer) decided that drug use is more a health problem than a criminal issue. Coffee shops are seen as a way to separate marijuana smokers from the underworld.

The Parool, Amsterdam's leading newspaper, asked then Mayor Patijn in an interview how much a gram of marijuana costs in his city. 'Fifteen guilders a gram' (€7) a gram. In other countries people would be surprised that the mayor knows how much a bag of weed is, but in Holland, the man shaping an intelligent drug policy knows the facts. His successor, Job Cohen, hasn't said much on the drug subject. Let's hope he dosen't rock the boat.

Meanwhile, the rest of the world continues its unending War on Drugs. Last year it was French President Jacques Chirac who blamed Holland for its drug troubles even though, according to Time Magazine, Holland has fewer addicts per thousand than France and Spain, Pakistan and Morocco supplied more drugs to France than Holland.

One year it was the U.S. drug czar Barry McCaffery who came to town to celebrate America's successful drug policy. Although one may have expected him to be curious about coffee shops here, he found no need to visit one because it was a 'bad photo opportunity.'

He went even further, calling Holland's progressive drug policy 'an unmitigated disaster,' citing higher crime in Holland as the proof. Huh? I don't know what he smokes, but this country is safe, and there is no place in the western world with more violence than America. But I guess when you're fighting a 'war,' the truth sometimes has to be suppressed. Besides, Holland makes such a nice whipping boy.

So in a bow to foreign pressure, the government reduced the amount of soft drugs an individual can possess from 30 grams to five. Maybe they should go further. If they recriminalize drugs, maybe they can wipe them out altogether, just like France and America. While we're at it, maybe France can give us some advice on how to end strikes and reduce unemployment, and the U.S. can give us a few pointers about stopping violence in schools.

Really?
No matter what happens in the long run, you can still go into any 'coffee shop,' proudly march up to the bartender, and announce in a loud voice: 'I want to buy some hashish, and then I'm going to smoke it.' Most places will even have rolling papers and filter tips on the bar. The filter tip doesn't filter anything, but it gives you something to hold on to, and there's no wasted roach.

A bag typically costs €10-15, and the better the stuff, the less you get. There are several types of hash and pot, which have been bred to produce different highs. Just don't let the big menu scare you. (Yes, they'll have a menu.) Hash comes in two basic varieties: blond and black. The black hash hits a little harder and knocks you out a little more. Locals smoke the lighter stuff. As far as marijuana goes, the Netherlands-grown stuff is usually the strongest. By the way, if you buy a stickie (a joint) from a coffee shop, expect it rolled with tobacco. But even rolled with tobacco, it will be stronger than the Indiana ditch weed you've been smoking at home.

Any place that calls itself a coffee shop is saying three things: 1) 'I have pot and hash for you to buy.' 2) 'For the price of a coffee or beer, you may sit here and smoke your own as well.' 3) 'You may also smoke on my outdoor terrace, even in front of the police.' If the place calls itself a café, however, that means stick to tobacco.

Rules? I thought this was Amsterdam

Column by Andrew Moskos
March 29, 2002

In a city where supposedly 'everything goes,' two new police initiatives have been targeting a most mundane group: bicyclists.

One reason Amsterdam is such a wonderful place to live is that it's so compact and bike-friendly. In a city of only 800,000 people, Amsterdam has more than 400,000 bicycles. In fact, bikes, more than cars, buses, trams or trains, are the dominant way of getting around Amsterdam.
For years, bike riders have been minding our own business, but none of the traffic laws. We ride the wrong way down streets, dart around cars, and ride through red lights. We bike where we want. We bike when we want. And we don't wear helmets. That's how it always has been, and that's how it should be.

Two new police campaigns, however, are trying to change some of that. Although officially illegal, bikes are supposed to have lights at night. To promote safety, police have been setting up nocturnal camps on major streets. On a square where kids would skate during the day behind the Heineken Brewery, the police recently set up lights, fences, trucks, and tents. As cops with flashlights waved me and hundreds of light-less cyclists into their shantytown, we had no idea why. Maybe it was a survey. Jaws literally dropped to learn they were giving out tickets for riding without a light.

But here's the Dutch part: we were given a choice. We could either pay the $20 fine or pay $12 to one of the subcontracted bike repair man who would sell us lights and attach them to our bikes right then. The decision wasn't tough. In about five minutes, everyone rode off with two detachable flashing lights.

Unlike an American speed trap, this was not about 'sending a message' or raising money from fines. It was just a reasonable campaign to get lights on bikes at a reasonable price. These nights, the number of compliant bikes is up from almost zero to almost half.

The second campaign closed off the busy Leidse-straat to cyclists. The popular shopping street was always closed to cars, but pedestrians, streetcars, and (officially forbidden) bikes had been sharing the street reasonably well. After a renovation of bricks, lights, and tram tracks, however, the police decided enough was enough. They were going to stop the bikes.

Bicyclists we were defiant and everyone predicted defeat. The Leidse-straat was too convenient to stop using, and change was impossible. But after a lengthy campaign of flyers, warnings, news stories and finally tickets, they succeeded. Today, people really walk their bikes on the Leidse-straat, and pedestrians are probably happier.

Maybe that's the most Dutch part of the story.
The campaigns worked.

< Back to Homepage